Mrs G has told me to write about how great and understanding she is in letting me go fishing in France again. I have done it Mrs G, stop hitting me now! one day i will tell you the story of when she stabbed me. But not today.
To give me a chance to raise my marital Karma levels (which must be fairly low I reckon) Mrs G offered me the opportunity to spend the day filling a skip she had ordered for tidying the garden and immediate house surroundings. I was under threat of death that I was not to put any farm waste into the skip, just house stuff. I was absolutely amazed at the amount of junk I found lying around. to add to my fun I got out my old oil drum incinerator and burnt any flammable waste, obviously only waste for which I had a waste exemption licence to burn (just in case any EA officials are reading) smashing up junk and burning it is a great way of releasing pent up frustration. There must be a way of marketing it, I just have to think of one!
I must say I got a little worried when the 20ft flames where licking the wooden trellis/archway above our garden wall. Everybody including myself got very worried after the third massive explosion, even Mrs G was worried, it must be said that Mrs G is normally rather indifferent to any personal injury I may cause myself. It turns out that it wasnt the rapture signalling the end of the world but that I had accidentally put a bag containing a pigeon scaring 'Thunder Rope' onto the fire, there was three major explosions followed by about a dozen smaller bangs (which I guess was shotgun cartridges). My ears have been ringing ever since.
I could draw a deep and meaningful theological conclusion about sorting out our live by getting an 'emotional skip' in, but I wont as that would be boring.
Wednesday 26 August 2009
Saturday 22 August 2009
A new challenge! ideas please
Terrible, life shattering news. Readers Digest is going bust. Shock horror! what will I and thousand others like me read while in the loo? how will I increase my word power or discover how eating 15kg of asparagus a day can ward off testicular cancer? Can I live without Laughter the best medicine and Humour in uniform?
To fill the gaps between adverts for stair lifts, hearing aids and incontinence pants (which suggests to me that I am not the target demographic) Readers Digest has tasters of new books and specially commissioned articles, usually of an adventurous or biographical nature. This months edition was no different with a piece where the journalist spends a whole week in silence with humorous observations resulting from this. The writer draws witty and thought provoking lessons from his experience to enrich and challenge the reader.
One book that was previewed in the Readers Digest has been turned into the new Jim Carey film 'Yes Man' where Jim Carey's character can only answer yes to every question, the film was inspired by a Danny Wallace real life book where he discovers how liberating it is to actually take every opportunity.
This got me thinking, I have some spare time and fancy a challenge. What crazy challenge could I undertake, then write a book about it and then sell the rights to Hollywood for millions of pounds? though to be fair I am not sure who they would get to play me, Hugh Grant I think, though he would need to work out a bit for the role.
Ideas for challenges I have had so far:
To fill the gaps between adverts for stair lifts, hearing aids and incontinence pants (which suggests to me that I am not the target demographic) Readers Digest has tasters of new books and specially commissioned articles, usually of an adventurous or biographical nature. This months edition was no different with a piece where the journalist spends a whole week in silence with humorous observations resulting from this. The writer draws witty and thought provoking lessons from his experience to enrich and challenge the reader.
One book that was previewed in the Readers Digest has been turned into the new Jim Carey film 'Yes Man' where Jim Carey's character can only answer yes to every question, the film was inspired by a Danny Wallace real life book where he discovers how liberating it is to actually take every opportunity.
This got me thinking, I have some spare time and fancy a challenge. What crazy challenge could I undertake, then write a book about it and then sell the rights to Hollywood for millions of pounds? though to be fair I am not sure who they would get to play me, Hugh Grant I think, though he would need to work out a bit for the role.
Ideas for challenges I have had so far:
- Change my name to 'Jock McStrap' and wear nothing but a kilt and subsist on a diet of Haggis and porridge for a month (the only downside I can see is that it may traumatise the ducks whose eyes would unfortunately be below kilt level. also there is a strong risk of excessive flatulence)
- Travel around the country with nothing but a twenty four can pack of Asda's budget baked beans with which to barter for transport food and accommodation. (also runs risk of flatulence)
- In the style of Yes Man and the vow of silence challenge I could undertake a grammatical challenge along the lines of only using words with the letter P in for a week or refusing to use vowels. (conversation would be limited to sentences involving fly, sty, my and pry - it may be hard to write a book about it)
- Travel around the world staying in 5 star hotels and sleeping with beautiful women every night. (I am not sure what the challenge is but I am actively seeking a funding sponsor)
Mrs G had a few ideas as well but hers where mainly along the lines of my doing all the washing up and housework everyday or giving up sex for a year. Her ideas obviously have no artistic or literary credibility so I will therefore disregard them.
Any ideas would be welcomed! In tomorrow's blog I will tell you what happened when I was fencing yesterday and unknowingly put a post into a wasps nest, with hilarious consequences.
Thursday 20 August 2009
sad times
The end of my arable farming career passed yesterday without celebration. As the combine completed the last strip of wheat that signalled the end of harvest on my land, I was not sure how to react. normally I am very pleased to finish harvest and have all the crops in the barn, but not so this year. The combine will be cleaned and serviced and delivered to its new owner, the rest of my kit has been sold and will leave the farm shortly.
Next week someone else will till the soil and plant the seed, next year someone else will anxiously watch the weather forecast, and next year someone else's combine will harvest the corn. Obviously as a big tough farmer I do not show emotion, but somewhere inside of me, a little tear was shed. Sad times.
As a child I used to love playing in the crops, or sitting on my grandads lap in a tractor and helping the men feed the pigs. My favorite photograph I have is of me as a toddler with a little red cap on feeding the pigs with my grandad, he used to scold me if I gave one pig all the food so i could watch the other pigs squeal trying to get to it, but nonetheless he still bought me a little child sized feed scoop so that I could help him. Good times.
These things and slowly the people too, are just memories now, a haze in my past. Golden rose tinted images flash frozen in my mind, which sadly grow fainter with age and all too soon the reality will be blurred with the fog of time.
I wonder what if any farming memories I will leave for my children? are they are too busy with ipods and computer games, and too young to realise that the world is irrevocably changing around them, or is it just my world that is changing and I should just accept it?
Are they forming there own memories that they will look on when they grow old? what are they? I hope they are good ones, Its always the little things, like the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper that I had as a child or my grandmas fry-ups, at the time they where not important but there significance grows with teh passing of time.
On Tuesday night I completed my first public speaking engagement, giving the after dinner speech to the Agricultural Valuers Association's agm. I came away hungry as unfortunately the speech was actually after dinner and I was to nervous to eat much beforehand! I thought though that asking for a doggy bag to eat afterwards would give the wrong impression.
My talk seem to be well received, in fact one person commented to me afterwards that most people give talks about how brilliant there businesses do and how clever they are, he though it most refreshing to hear about how somebody has cocked everything up and is actually a really rubbish farmer. My audience left cheered up hopefully that however bad there businesses may be coping during the recession at least they are better farmers/businessmen/consultants/advisers than I am.
I am available for speaking engagements, I just ask that my fee be paid in the form of double helpings of pudding, payment due immediately on completion.
Next week someone else will till the soil and plant the seed, next year someone else will anxiously watch the weather forecast, and next year someone else's combine will harvest the corn. Obviously as a big tough farmer I do not show emotion, but somewhere inside of me, a little tear was shed. Sad times.
As a child I used to love playing in the crops, or sitting on my grandads lap in a tractor and helping the men feed the pigs. My favorite photograph I have is of me as a toddler with a little red cap on feeding the pigs with my grandad, he used to scold me if I gave one pig all the food so i could watch the other pigs squeal trying to get to it, but nonetheless he still bought me a little child sized feed scoop so that I could help him. Good times.
These things and slowly the people too, are just memories now, a haze in my past. Golden rose tinted images flash frozen in my mind, which sadly grow fainter with age and all too soon the reality will be blurred with the fog of time.
I wonder what if any farming memories I will leave for my children? are they are too busy with ipods and computer games, and too young to realise that the world is irrevocably changing around them, or is it just my world that is changing and I should just accept it?
Are they forming there own memories that they will look on when they grow old? what are they? I hope they are good ones, Its always the little things, like the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper that I had as a child or my grandmas fry-ups, at the time they where not important but there significance grows with teh passing of time.
On Tuesday night I completed my first public speaking engagement, giving the after dinner speech to the Agricultural Valuers Association's agm. I came away hungry as unfortunately the speech was actually after dinner and I was to nervous to eat much beforehand! I thought though that asking for a doggy bag to eat afterwards would give the wrong impression.
My talk seem to be well received, in fact one person commented to me afterwards that most people give talks about how brilliant there businesses do and how clever they are, he though it most refreshing to hear about how somebody has cocked everything up and is actually a really rubbish farmer. My audience left cheered up hopefully that however bad there businesses may be coping during the recession at least they are better farmers/businessmen/consultants/advisers than I am.
I am available for speaking engagements, I just ask that my fee be paid in the form of double helpings of pudding, payment due immediately on completion.
Sunday 16 August 2009
Okey dokey
right then, first off an update on the job search, after my first job interview on Tuesday I received a call from the recruitment agent to say that the company loved me passionately and would like me back for a second interview on Thursday, and that basically he thinks they are going to offer me the job. Wow, this raises several dilemmas, I have had several positive responses from other companies, including agricultural banking for a major (and fortunately solvent) high street name. Is it good to take the first offer? should I ask for 10k more and demand a page three stunner as a personal PA? obviously I will need a expenses account on a par with a Labour MP or the gross national product of a small developing nation, but then that goes without saying.
I have had a busy day today, completing a haymaking job for a horsey client in the village, rather embarrassingly and quite unlike me I was reminded on completion that I forgot to bill them the previous year for making there hay, and that they would appreciate it greatly if I would forget to bill them again this year! No wonder I have to get a job! Mrs G will never get her indoor pool and sauna complex if I forget to bill people! its makes me think what else I have forgotten!
I then wrote some notes for a after dinner speech I have to make on Tuesday night to the Agricultural Valuers Association's AGM. These guys are professional farm consultants who help people do the tedious paperwork on farms and consult on farm developments. I am supposed to go and tell them about developing farm diversification's. which is kind of like taking coal to Newcastle or teaching sex education to Essex girls. I am working on some cracking jokes, most of which so far are completely unsuitable, mostly involving essex girls, but very funny in my head. which is where they should stay. Forever!
I have had a busy day today, completing a haymaking job for a horsey client in the village, rather embarrassingly and quite unlike me I was reminded on completion that I forgot to bill them the previous year for making there hay, and that they would appreciate it greatly if I would forget to bill them again this year! No wonder I have to get a job! Mrs G will never get her indoor pool and sauna complex if I forget to bill people! its makes me think what else I have forgotten!
I then wrote some notes for a after dinner speech I have to make on Tuesday night to the Agricultural Valuers Association's AGM. These guys are professional farm consultants who help people do the tedious paperwork on farms and consult on farm developments. I am supposed to go and tell them about developing farm diversification's. which is kind of like taking coal to Newcastle or teaching sex education to Essex girls. I am working on some cracking jokes, most of which so far are completely unsuitable, mostly involving essex girls, but very funny in my head. which is where they should stay. Forever!
Wednesday 12 August 2009
busy busy!
Unfortunatly I have been to busy harvesting to write the blog for the last few days, however a wet day today has given me a bit of a break.
A wet saturday gave me the time to take the kids to the circus, which was an experience that I have not had for a long time. there was a troupe of 5 stallions, camels, elephants and best of all five (unfortunately) well trained and beutifull tigers. I must admit to being just a tinsy bit sorry that the tigers did not eat the trainer and that the elephents did not break free and rampage around the big top with deadly consequences. admitidly it would not have been great having the kids in the same tent with wild tigers and elephants eating people, especially with me being so plump and tasty looking. fortunatly that did not happen, though maybe if i had not been so tight and had paid out for front row seats the tigers may have had there appettites piqued.
I had my first interview for a job yesterday which was an interesting experience. Entering the corporate world will be a novel and new experience for me, one that I am excited about but am also, if I am honest, very nervous about as well.
A wet saturday gave me the time to take the kids to the circus, which was an experience that I have not had for a long time. there was a troupe of 5 stallions, camels, elephants and best of all five (unfortunately) well trained and beutifull tigers. I must admit to being just a tinsy bit sorry that the tigers did not eat the trainer and that the elephents did not break free and rampage around the big top with deadly consequences. admitidly it would not have been great having the kids in the same tent with wild tigers and elephants eating people, especially with me being so plump and tasty looking. fortunatly that did not happen, though maybe if i had not been so tight and had paid out for front row seats the tigers may have had there appettites piqued.
I had my first interview for a job yesterday which was an interesting experience. Entering the corporate world will be a novel and new experience for me, one that I am excited about but am also, if I am honest, very nervous about as well.
Thursday 6 August 2009
combining at last!
Right, a proper farming post. On Tuesday we started combining in winter wheat (Einstein for the arable nerds reading this) yields are not great at around 8 tonne a hectare but better than nothing! another good dry day today helped and we are now over a third through the wheat. Ironically it started raining as we where driving the combine home, the black clouds where threatening all day but they behaved themselves and did not open until the day was done.
My ginger mate is off to France fishing tomorrow. Without me. Its the first time that he has been and I have not gone with him. so when I am sitting bored on my tractor waiting for the combine to fill up, I will be able to think that I could be fishing in France with him.
As I am sitting in my lounge writing this I can hear the rain thundering against the windows, so I will just turn up the volume on Eastenders (thank you Sky plus!) and probably fall asleep on the sofa.
My ginger mate is off to France fishing tomorrow. Without me. Its the first time that he has been and I have not gone with him. so when I am sitting bored on my tractor waiting for the combine to fill up, I will be able to think that I could be fishing in France with him.
As I am sitting in my lounge writing this I can hear the rain thundering against the windows, so I will just turn up the volume on Eastenders (thank you Sky plus!) and probably fall asleep on the sofa.
Sunday 2 August 2009
Your Fired!
Mrs G and I are sitting watching 'Young dumb and living off mum' a programme where a load of slobs are stuck in a house to try to 'improve' them. Its not worked with me yet. or the kids. They are going to work on a farm tonight, I have seen the trailer and it looks funny.
Its time to come clean. I was under a publicity screen whereby I could not discuss it, now though it is time. I wanted to be a TV star, I thought the would should see more of Farmer Gage (no, not centre spread in Playgirl magazine) but alas TV fame is not going to happen, unless i one day end up on Crimewatch.
I went to Manchester to be interviewed for the next series of 'The Apprentice'. People say why would I want to look like an idiot on national television in front of the whole country. I am just bored I guess!
Anyway, I went to the interview and was duly led into a large room to stand in front of three judges, X-Factor style. This was done in a large group of fifteen and we all had thirty seconds to say why we should be the next apprentice, I was inspired to wear my tweeds and go for it 'farmer' style, ending my thirty seconds with the tag line 'Its time for this country mouse to come to town' this went down great with the guardian reading, torn jeans TV executive types running the interviews. Naturally I was selected out of the group of fifteen to go through for an individual interview which I thought went really well, the interviewer even suggested i should keep using the 'country mouse' line. However it obviously did not go that well as I was not ultimately selected for the programme. It is British Broadcasters loss I assure you!
Its time to come clean. I was under a publicity screen whereby I could not discuss it, now though it is time. I wanted to be a TV star, I thought the would should see more of Farmer Gage (no, not centre spread in Playgirl magazine) but alas TV fame is not going to happen, unless i one day end up on Crimewatch.
I went to Manchester to be interviewed for the next series of 'The Apprentice'. People say why would I want to look like an idiot on national television in front of the whole country. I am just bored I guess!
Anyway, I went to the interview and was duly led into a large room to stand in front of three judges, X-Factor style. This was done in a large group of fifteen and we all had thirty seconds to say why we should be the next apprentice, I was inspired to wear my tweeds and go for it 'farmer' style, ending my thirty seconds with the tag line 'Its time for this country mouse to come to town' this went down great with the guardian reading, torn jeans TV executive types running the interviews. Naturally I was selected out of the group of fifteen to go through for an individual interview which I thought went really well, the interviewer even suggested i should keep using the 'country mouse' line. However it obviously did not go that well as I was not ultimately selected for the programme. It is British Broadcasters loss I assure you!
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